I walk around with this emptiness now

April 22, 2015 is the day I lost my 7 week old baby. After spotting all through my 6th week only small amounts and tinged cm, I began to experience further and more severe spotting. I called the doctor Monday, expecting that I had already lost the baby. They fit me in and a sonogram was completed. A beautiful blip on the screen was shown with a flicker of a heart beat. I went home hopeful yet extremely uncertain the baby would make it. At home, the blood came stronger and more frequently.

They ran blood work to which I received the results the following day. My progesterone was low and they called a script in for me immediately. I took the medicine as soon as I picked it up. I prayed, and announced the pregnancy to my closest friens and family calling them to pray with me . The only way I was getting through this was by a miracle from God. I knew that was the baby’s only chance.

One day later, driving home from dinner with a friend, the cramps began (up until that point it had been mild discomfort and spotting). I got home and … the baby and everything I held dead to this poit was lost in a single moment. There was no saving it, no questioning it.. it just happened and I was left helpless watching as hope slipped away.

The following day, even though I knew the baby was gone, the doctor confirmed through another sonogram. As the days have past, I’ve caught myself rubbing my belly, feeling empty inside. Thinking of the hopes I had for this beautiful child and how they could not be. Sure, there is always another day to try again. Not this one though, this one was ripped away from me.

I had begged God for a miracle. Why hasn’t he answered? It’s all for his glory, he gently reminds me. All in his timing. All his thoughts and plans above mine. Silently and unknowingly, I’ve been pushing him away. Why me God? Things were supposed to be different? Didn’t you hear me surrender and beg you for this? You didn’t answer me. Then today, in worship at church, I was reminded that he is faithful and his plans endure forever. If he brings me to it, he will finish what he started.

That’s where I am at now.. waiting for His plans and His will to prevail. Knowing that it’s all I’ve got, leaning on him and trusting He will answer. If not now, someday and someday soon. I still believe and I still will give God the glory.. as painful as it is.

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Week 5 and Catching Up

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I’m 5 weeks and three days according to the countless apps I have already downloaded and read several times over today alone. I found out on March 31st that I am pregnant. I was so excited and did a double take on the pregnancy test because the journey hasn’t been easy. I jumped up and told my husband, who was asleep at the time, right away. Screw telling him in a cute way.. there was no way I could go without telling someone IMMEDIATELY. 🙂

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My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since October. He is a lawyer who just finished law school and is looking for a job and I’m in marketing. We were both a little nervous about having a baby when we weren’t entirely sure where we would end up because of his job. However, with My history, I knew it wouldn’t be a wam bam, sneezed and poof – pregnant.

More on that in the weeks to come. For now, I just want to blurb on how I’m feeling.

  • No nausea
  • boobs extremely sore
  • exhausted all day and can’t sleep at night
  • nervous about miscarriage / praying against it
  • no weight gain

I’m very excited, and as more time passes I let myself feel more excited. I’ve been nervous that something will go wrong. However, I’m believing for God’s hand in this pregnancy and tit will be healthy and full turn. God is gracious and good, no matter what happens..

More to come, glad you are here to share this journey with me!