Dreams, Dreams, beautiful Dreams

What can I do with myself that combines all of my talents and interests? This is the question that has been rolling around in my head for a while now. I have so many different interests that it seems hard to combined them all. My interests are:

Art, Make Up, Beauty, Drawing, Graphic Design, Entertainment, Writing, Books, Business, Goals and Achievement, etc.

I feel like I’m on the verge of discovering something great with a combination of these things. I just can’t seem to push past the fog. A beauty blogger isn’t enough. Graphic Design isn’t enough. I don’t have the patience to write, I think. Or, do I?

What are your interests and how are you combining them into dreams for your future?

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Be in control

I want to be in control of something, anything. I feel like everything is just happening to me and not because of me. I come to work and sit here waiting on things to flow into my queue. I’m not out there getting work or working hard, just sitting. Then at home, I pulled by the constant stream of things that I need to get done and people I need to see. When did life get so out of control?

On my book, I am trying to stay motivated but ran into a rut with taking a day off. Bad me! Where do y’all find your motivation when everything just seems to be spinning and you aren’t the one controlling things?

Forbes 30 under 30

Looking at Forbes 30 under 30 can either be inspiring or depressing. Today, it was a little bit of both for me. It inspired me that I want to do something great and accomplish something big but it also depressed me to think I didn’t have any brilliant ideas to execute right away.

Michelle Phan really inspired me. 

   
Here is a portion of her blurb from the list:

“In 2007, she made a seven-minute how-to video and posted it on YouTube. Soon,she was getting 40,000 views a week. In 2012, her Internet popularity exploding, she started ipsy, a subscription cosmetics company that’s expected to yield $120 million in revenues in 2015. She’s also got a line of makeup with L’Oréal, a music venture that promotes artists on social media and a deal with reality-TV giant Endemol for an online lifestyle channel.”

You can see the whole thing here: Forbes 30 under 30: Art and Style

I love ipsy and birchbox. To think that she just took a small step of posting a video and it ended up leading her to an amazing life. Granted, I’m sure she worked hard along the way and there were struggles that she faced, but she made the list. She is under 30. That just speaks so much to me. You don’t have to be older and wiser to do great things. You just have to go out and do it. So, I’ve made it my new goal to make the list of 30 under 30. 

I’m taking small steps and I’m going to do something great.

I wrote a short story as my small step. 2000 words of a story can teach you a lot about trying to write 75,000-100,000 words. You have a lot of editing to do and rewriting. It’s time consuming, but I feel very reworded from doing that. Now, working toward my next steps. 

What is the small step you are going to take?

Too Many Goals – Not enough Willpower

Sometimes I feel like I want to soar to the moon.

I want to be productive and do something great. I feel like I can do anything and be anyone. I have so much pent up energy and desire to get stuff done. What stops me? I feel like if I do or try something, I’ll fail. People remind me that I will fail to. If I look to other people for encouragement, they often look at my goals and me like I’m crazy. On the flip side in my head, I think if I try that then something will go wrong and I won’t be able to do it so there is no point in even starting. Or, more often, I start something and then get bored or overwhelmed and end up quitting. How do I start or keep going once I have begun? What is the answer for you?

I am reading #GirlBoss  right now and it is really empowering and encouraging. She started just doing what she loved and it took off because she put her love sweat and tears into it. I want something to move me that much that it consumes me. It takes me to achieve my dreams. Unfortunately, I’m still looking for that thing that will push and excite me.

I guess in the meantime, I will continue to accumulate goals and see where they take me.

Goals for now:

  • Write a book; rather finish it since I’ve already started it. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but never had a great story. I’ve been reading a lot in the past two years and I think that has inspired me. Now, I have a great story I just have to work out the details.
  • Finish my reading goal for the year. 40 books, that’s it. I’m already at 27, so I’m almost there! Some of my favorites are Unfortunate Fairy Tale Series by Chanda Hahn  UnEnchanted: An Unfortunate Fairy Tale Series # | [Chanda Hahn]
    and Iron Fey by Julie Kagawa.

    Yes, I know, I have a genre.

  • Work harder and smarter at my job. Right now, my job is in the slow season. It has me bored and feeling unproductive. I want to look for ways to better the company I work for, my position, and myself for my career. No idea where to start on this one.
  • This blog was originally started for that. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage back in April and am still working toward that goal. Right now, I try not to think about it too much and work toward other goals, hoping that they are achieved in the meantime.

These are my first few goals. I hope to add more as time passes and I complete these. The first step is writing them down. Let’s see where the next couple of months and year takes me. What are your goals?

I walk around with this emptiness now

April 22, 2015 is the day I lost my 7 week old baby. After spotting all through my 6th week only small amounts and tinged cm, I began to experience further and more severe spotting. I called the doctor Monday, expecting that I had already lost the baby. They fit me in and a sonogram was completed. A beautiful blip on the screen was shown with a flicker of a heart beat. I went home hopeful yet extremely uncertain the baby would make it. At home, the blood came stronger and more frequently.

They ran blood work to which I received the results the following day. My progesterone was low and they called a script in for me immediately. I took the medicine as soon as I picked it up. I prayed, and announced the pregnancy to my closest friens and family calling them to pray with me . The only way I was getting through this was by a miracle from God. I knew that was the baby’s only chance.

One day later, driving home from dinner with a friend, the cramps began (up until that point it had been mild discomfort and spotting). I got home and … the baby and everything I held dead to this poit was lost in a single moment. There was no saving it, no questioning it.. it just happened and I was left helpless watching as hope slipped away.

The following day, even though I knew the baby was gone, the doctor confirmed through another sonogram. As the days have past, I’ve caught myself rubbing my belly, feeling empty inside. Thinking of the hopes I had for this beautiful child and how they could not be. Sure, there is always another day to try again. Not this one though, this one was ripped away from me.

I had begged God for a miracle. Why hasn’t he answered? It’s all for his glory, he gently reminds me. All in his timing. All his thoughts and plans above mine. Silently and unknowingly, I’ve been pushing him away. Why me God? Things were supposed to be different? Didn’t you hear me surrender and beg you for this? You didn’t answer me. Then today, in worship at church, I was reminded that he is faithful and his plans endure forever. If he brings me to it, he will finish what he started.

That’s where I am at now.. waiting for His plans and His will to prevail. Knowing that it’s all I’ve got, leaning on him and trusting He will answer. If not now, someday and someday soon. I still believe and I still will give God the glory.. as painful as it is.